4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
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I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
So glad we cleared that up
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.