People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
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The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.