My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
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*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.