If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
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My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]