“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
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Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia