My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
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There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression