My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
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The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Your secret is safeish with me
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Generation gap…
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.