exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
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Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.