Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
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{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
😂😂
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Incredible customer service.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Support your local cemetery
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location