No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
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Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes