I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
You Might Also Like
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.