“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
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Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Namaste
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve