I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
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Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold