Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
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Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit