Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
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HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Sell your car
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?