Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
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Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Why am I like this?
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed