My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
You Might Also Like
Boom, boom, ching!
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke