cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
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I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Finally, an explanation.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
That’s classic.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.