Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
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Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof