“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
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The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
When the stylist spins you back around
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken