me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
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[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one