[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
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Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Baking is just science you can eat.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.