[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
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next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!