Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
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If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
birds and squirrels envy us
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
This is Sparta