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Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Am I having a stroke?
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
so, is there a mister shapen head
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.