“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
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Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years