How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
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2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.