You Might Also Like
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Good morning
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.