LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
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we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
wtf is an acronym
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.