I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
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[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.