Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
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Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
🏙👨🏼
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.