THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
You Might Also Like
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Monica just destroyed the internet
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Who.
Did.
This?
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.