A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
You Might Also Like
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up