A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
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Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Love is always patient and kind.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”