I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
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1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.