My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
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My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
ugh not again
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most