When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
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“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.