Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
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*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
one last job
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Investing in beetcoin
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.