3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
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my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.