The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
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When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Me trying to reach for my goals
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.