Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
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“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now