Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
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I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.