I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
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Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.