*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
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[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this