Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
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Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
A family that plays together cheats.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
🤣dope
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.