[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
You Might Also Like
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Support your local cemetery
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.