If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
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wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
we’re gonna need another temp
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
my favorite genre of twitter
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.