Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
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[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
You better watch out
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?