Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
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Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
m’lady
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!