[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
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‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
My god she’s good.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked